I'm working in the home office, enjoying listening to my favorite
old 80's album (one can never get enough of Kool & The Gang) and
munching on some Cheetos. Then...
the doorbell rings. I
think, "Wow! Someone
is here to see me! Alright!" So I matt down my bed-head, throw on an old T-shirt, check my
morning breath, and prepare to greet my visitor. Mind you, this is exciting in the world of those working at
home alone. Office
politics consists of me arguing with my dog about whether or not he
should have table scraps. I
have worn out my welcome at the SportCuts, getting a trim every two
weeks and gabbing with the big lady who shampoos my head.
Actually having another human being come visit ME is a
I open the door.
before me is a nice fella with a big gold tooth.
The tooth is decorated with the image of a daisy.
He's wearing a ball cap on his head and a big white bandage
around both his ears. A
big van is off in the distance, and it drives away, the driver
waving to him. He waves
sir! Mighty nice day
out, isn't it?"
"It sure is!"
sir, I won't take up much of your time, I just wanna show you this
amazing product" He
grabs my arm and pulls me out toward the driveway. Like
an idiot, I follow.
many times have you been bothered by these unsightly stains in your
driveway? Oil spills,
rust marks, mildew..?"
they don't bother me much actual.."
me just show you what 'Upper Hand' can do!"
the guy gets down on his hands and knees and sprays a ton of this
"Upper Hand" stuff on a rust spot in my driveway.
He scrubs it with a brush, sprays some more 'Hand' on it,
then wipes it clean. The
stain is gone.
there are two ways to react in this situation.
The right response (Response #1) is, "No thank you.
I'm not interested. Have
a nice day. Good luck with that bandage on your head.
Nice daisy in the tooth, too"
wrong response (which I gave) was.
pretty cool! What else
can it do." I
might as well have a t-shirt on which reads "Come to my house.
I buy worthless crap!"
he proceeds to wash the window of my truck and wipe his hand all
over it, showing me that it's now "Body Oil Resistant".
I am amazed. Hell!
I never knew how great "Body Oil Resistant Windows"
could be! Never know
when you're gonna' have some lubed-up, Vaseline-covered, bodybuilder
come over and start rubbin up against your windows.
Can't live without that!
So I still have that idiotic "I am gullible... I like
shiny things and flashing lights" look on my face.
says "You know when you're drivin' at night and drive into all
them bugs... well.. when you do that, them bugs and their juices
gets under the paint, so when you wash your car, you run the risk of
chippin' your paint."
goes on, "Now watch what happens when I spray 'Upper Hand' on
it." He starts to
spray & rub. "Now just look what's happenin'.
Upper Hand is 'emulsifyin'
them bugs and turnin' 'em into goo.
Now you can wipe 'em off there just like you'd wipe off some
water." I look at my truck. The
spot he just wiped a few times is bug-free and clean. The cleaner is pretty darn powerful. Now, after his whole talk on bug juice and emulsifyin', I'm
thinkin this guy is freakin' Sir Isaac Newton.
he asks, "You got stains on any of your clothes?"
anyone who has seen me attack a plate of baby-back ribs knows that
this is a leading question. I
he pulls out a pen and draws this huge mark onto his shorts.
He then sprays a bunch of "Upper Hand" on the
spot... wipes a few times, and the stain is GONE!
Now I'm a skeptic of street magic, and I still wonder if Evil
Keneivil really jumped the big gorge, but I'm thinkin' this stuff is
"the real deal".
he cleans a few more spots and windows and gives me the pitch. "Now I'm
guessin' you spend a bunch of money on cleaning products. How much do you think a three year supply of cleaning
products would be?"
say... "Oh... for EVERYTHING?
probably a hundred bucks or a hundred fifty."
(Yes... I AM an idiot).
reply? "Think more
like 300, Scott. But...
what I'm prepared to do is give you two 32 ounce bottles of
"Upper Hand" concentrate for only $42."
Can you believe it? This
stuff will last you YEARS!"
ask him if the stuff he's been using is concentrated or diluted? He says he only has 1 ounce of the concentrate in his big 32
ounce spray bottle.
tell him I'll buy it, but he'll have to come back after he makes his
rounds in the neighborhood. In
addition (now HERE'S where I get shrewd) I tell him that when he
gives me my two bottles, I'm gonna' make him dilute my stuff and
then take a stain out of my driveway with it to PROVE that I'm
gettin' the good stuff. He
hour later, Daisy Tooth comes back with two bottles in hand. I open the door with a spray bottle full of water in mine.
He puts about a thimble full of concentrate in my spray
bottle, walks into the driveway, sprays my stuff on it, scrubs the
spot with his brush, and the stain is gone!
I hand him my check, and he and his buddy drive off in their
walk into my house feeling like some sort of cleaning machine! Bring on bug guts! Bring
on mildew! Bring on ink
stains! Bring on dirty
carpets! I now have
"The Upper Hand"! I
walk into my bathroom and spray a bit of the stuff on a mildew spot
in my shower. I rub it
with a soft sponge. Nothing.
spray more of it, and scrub a little harder.
spray what feels like a gallon of this stuff on the spot and scrub
it with a hard brush with the force of Schwarzenegger after five
cups of coffee. Still
nothing. Actually, I think the force of my brushing was removing
the grout from my shower. Now
I'm a little miffed. So...
just for grins, I go out to the driveway to try it there.
I get into my driveway, I notice that the spots that Daisy Tooth had
scrubbed had this gray dust around them.
I inspect closer. Sure
enough, the guy was using a wire brush to remove not ONLY the
stains, but parts of my driveway as well.
I just couldn't tell when it was wet.
I go over to my window on my truck.
I rub my hand all over the glass.
THERE ARE STREAKS ALL OVER IT!
So much for "Body Oil Resistant!"
look more closely at the bottle.
The ingredients are basically water, and some organic
can I interest anyone in two bottles of the best cleaning solution
known to man? I'll make
you a deal. $50 for a
three year supply. Just
gimme a call. My wire brush is ready!
hope all is well with everyone else.
Take care of yourselves!